That Completely Random Guy: Liberation? Eh?

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Dear Concerned Fellow Man,

 I’ve always felt a deep connection with the cause for liberation. ‘Liberation of what?’ you would only logically ask (as, of course, you are nothing less than a logical person).

‘Does it matter?’ I would, inquisitively and frustratingly, respond (as, of course, I am something quite less than the average logical person).

Liberation of anything and everything that has cause to be liberated. Oppression should not be tolerated no matter where it might crop up. Oppression of one’s view of the sun by the oppressive presence of the trees and mountains should not have to be tolerated. Oppression of one’s desire, neigh, NEED to rest in the afternoon should have no cause to suffer under the oppressive demands of lecturers and employers that one be awake in their presence.

Why any cause is just as worthy as any other. ‘Liberation for one! Liberation for all!’ is my cry. They claim laws and regulations serve and protect. Don’t be fooled, I say they oppress. They claim governments serve in your best interests. But I say, “in whose best interest is it that one must enslave themselves to authoritarian control’. My fellow man, who is truly free? Traffic limits are too stifling, stop signs too demanding, whose to say who can go here or there and where one must stop. Too long have we all been oppressed. In liberation lies your freedom. Embrace that freedom.

Yours Anarchically,

That Completely Random Guy 

That Completely Random Guy: Han Solo and The True Story of Saving the Galaxy

Dear Concerned Fellow Man,

Why didn’t Han Solo play a larger role in the Star Wars movies? I just don’t see how the wimpiness and uncertainty of Luke Skywalker wins him the top billing over the brash toughness and more iconic hero personality of Han Solo. Han Solo’s out there kicking butts and taking names, living life on the edge, while poor little Luke is writing poetry and starring dreamily at stars. Han’s the man and Luke, well, Luke is closer to the (wo)man. Not to critique a modern classic, but it’s blaringly obvious how they did it all wrong.

Anyway, it doesn’t really matter since Han is the real hero in the end. Did anyone else ever notice how pointless to the whole pivotal saving-the-universe-from-the-evil-of-the-empire Luke’s part is in the end? It did not matter if Luke was on the second Death Star or not because Han shut down the shield, which allowed the Falcon to penetrate the defenses and destroy the Death Star. With or without Luke, the empire would still have been destroyed.

What should have happened is Luke should have caved into the dark side at the end (like the sissy that we all know him to be) thereby Han is made the de facto hero of the story (as he really is anyway) since there is no other alternatives to go with. He saved the universe, and he got the girl. On the other hand, Luke fell in love with his sister, essentially killed his father, and was no less of a pansy in the end than he was in the beginning.

Han’s the man. Plain and simple.

Yours truly and deeply personally,

That Completely Random Guy

That Completely Random Guy: Lions and Bears, Oh My

Dear Concerned Fellow Man,

I can’t decide if I would rather be a lion or a bear. They both have their obvious benefits but there are always the negatives one must consider as well. For the lion, all one really needs to say is ‘King of the Jungle’ and it’s all there, what more can you ask for. Unfortunately, there are still negatives. Like for starters, all the responsibilities that must come with being King. Just think of the paperwork. Then there’s everybody always coming to you with their problems. Like, “King, oh king, the dingo ate my baby,” as if it’s your responsibility to account for the degenerate cravings of dingoes.

Then you have the bear. He’s big and pretty strong. More than that, he sleeps for half the year. It’s the best life, right? Well, what you have to put up with as a bear is this whole Teddy Bear phenomenon. Imagine the deep troubling psychosis that could give you. You’re like the biggest most terrifying thing in sight but you have this cuddly sweet reputation to live up to. You aren’t free to pummel and terrorize as you most desire. The union just wouldn’t have it. One minute you eat a tourist for looking at you funny and the next there’s a cover up by the International Bear Union (IBU) in an attempt to protect their investment in their cuddly image as you are ushered into a life of shame and ridicule where every low creature curses your name.

 To make things easier I think I might just be a dragon. They breathe fire, right?

Regards in the Deepest and Truest Sense,

That Completely Random Guy

That Completely Random Guy: On Humpty Dumpty

Dear Concerned Fellow Man,

I wonder how Humpty Dumpty felt about the whole matter. I mean, how come we never hear his side of the story? That’s what I want to know.

I think too much attention is paid to ‘all the king’s horses and all the king’s men,’ but really what did they contribute to the whole ordeal and, quite honestly, who do they think they are, anyway? Just because they work for the ‘king’ that all of a sudden entitles them to be the pre-imminent scholars on putting Humpties back together with Dumpties?

I have a feeling it’s more complicated than it sounds. It was all just a publicity stunt if you ask me (which you should, I would be just the person to know). I was never convinced they had all that much interest in poor old Humpty Dumpty and whether or not he ever became whole again.

I guess what I’m really trying to say is that we should consider the old chap’s feelings in all this. There’s hardly any respect paid to the deep psychological trauma that undoubtedly must have been inflicted on poor hapless HD (as he’s known around the crib). Show a little sensitivity, it’s not everyday a guy falls off a wall and finds out that he’ll never be whole again simply because some king hadn’t the heart to get a real doctor to fix him up all proper but instead simply sent the first bunch of incompetent ne’er-do-wells he could find.

Sincerely,

That Completely Random Guy